So coming back to this ‘friend’ of mine who lent me a shoulder to cry on IF. He ended up being the person who made me and broke me.
We took the same swimming classes and since we were of the same age, he being a year elder and in the same class we kinda got along well.
What brought us closer was our families. He came from a dysfunctional family, his father remarried and both his mom and step mom lived in the same house with their kids. His mom was a drunk and a schizophrenic. It was later I realised that being a part in such a family required a lot of work and patience.
He was the first guy whom I hanged out with. We were different as chalk and cheese. He was an extrovert, loved making friends, partying, travelling and this opened a whole new world for me. We spent a lot of time together. I used to call him home when mom was not around and he didn’t touch me, which kinda impressed me a lot.
He used to flirt with other girls but not with me, once when I questioned him why he didn’t flirt with me, he said you are the innocent type I only flirt with girls who are a slutty. I took pride being referred to as an innocent girl, a girl next door types. Today I realise it was slut shaming.
When I look back he kind of moulded my character to suit him and since I was the one who always blamed myself for other people’s actions, I used to think I was in the wrong. Since the first day I met him he was peevish and nothing satisfied him, he was constantly correcting me, finding faults with my behaviour, which increased with time and reached a cresendo during the later stages of our relation. He didn’t physically abuse me but when ever he got irritated he would verbally abuse me. I mistook his yelling as he being protective towards me. I somehow overlooked the abusive language, until the day (after a decade) he did it in public. Today I wonder how and why I put up with the constant nagging for almost a decade.
All these years I lived with the perception, I had fallen in love with my ex and conveyed the same to him. Today as I was re reading my old journals it was then it hit me, he was the one who was feeding me these thoughts. It started with people questioning us if we were a couple and slowly through friends or himself he put thoughts in my head. Jesus, was I so naïve or so much in love that for the years to follow I could not see it. He had always been crafty something I failed to realise with many other things.
Does it hurt me to read all the journal entries after all these years ? I’m numb the only thoughts I have now is was I such a fucking fool. Naive is too decent a word. I was sub consciously being made to change myself .
It’s almost two decades but I remember the day he proposed and I said yes. It was a perfect setting with the sun setting down on us at exactly 18:15 hours. Winter was setting in and the climate was pleasant. It was a simple I love you and I said yes. Prior to that my friend had asked me if I would stand by him and defend him if my mom would not approve of him. To which I said yes I would always stand by him. I have made such a promise only twice in my life and no matter what I have stood by them.
We all knew that my mom would not agree for this relationship. In fact my mom would never agree for any relationship. My mom has huge expectations and money is above everything. I understand that now, but come on a 19-year-old is not going to understand such stuff. Also this guy was economically weaker than us. There was this huge gap between us. I knew I would have to fight with mom, and yeah I did it, which broke me emotionally.