I Have A Narcissistic Mom – 1

These days I’m reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough : Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers – Karyl McBride. This is not a book review, as I have not completed reading it.

As part of the healing process the author has asked the readers to write a list about What’s your idea of an ideal mom? This is what she says – ‘I need to grieve the mother I never had. I have a right to grieve over what I didn’t get that I needed.’ Ever since I have started this blog it has helped me a lot emotionally. I’m sharing the list here so please guys bear with me. 

In a couple of my previous post I have blogged about my toxic relationship with my mom. Mother Of Mine – 1 Mother Of Mine – 2

I knew something was wrong with my mom, for years I’ve been struggling to understand her. I’ve wrestled with her conflicting feelings for decades. I’ve been emotionally used and abused by her which has left me worn out. So I decided to Google her symptoms (now Google has this habit of diagnosing cancer for any ailment), luckily this time Google realised I was miserable and helped me and I’ve come to realise a harsh reality that my mother is a malignant narcissist. 

It’s hard to love someone who triggers the ugliest part of you, but I still love her even when I know that narcissists are incapable of feeling love. It’s a pattern I cannot escape. My heart pains for the deserving love it has yet to receive. 

So yes here goes the list about my ideal mom – 

  • A mom who is easy to talk to.
  • A mom who will not use my weakness and failures against me.
  • A mom who will not make me question my own sanity.
  • A mom who will hug me when I’ve had a bad day.
  • A mom who will hold my hand when I fall.
  • A mom who will care for me when I’m unwell and not restore to name calling.
  • A mom who will not sabotage my relationships.
  • A mom who will not micro manage me.
  • A mom who will respect my boundaries.
  • A mom who will not body shame me.
  • A mom who will respect and support my decisions and not ridicule me for the same.
  • A mom who will not blame me for her insecurities or whatever twisted issues she has.
  • A mom who is open to criticism and debates.
  • A mom who will dress up her age.
  • A mom who does not place materialistic things before me.
  • A mom who does not believe in favouritism.
  • A mom who believes in sharing.
  • A mom who will understand me and not say mean, cruel and hurtful things.

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