After eighteen months I had sex. My relationship with sex is complicated. While growing up with a narcissistic mother I was made to believe that sex is bad though subconsciously I knew it’s not true. Maybe because of this preconditioning my expectations regarding sex is unrealistic. I’ve had merely one serious relationship and sex was absolute junk. Casual relationships were more fun because I learned to explore my sexuality but I’m nervous before and while performing the act. There have been many times I’ve canceled due to this. There have been guys with whom I have enjoyed sex only because they went down on me. Penetrative sex has always been an issue. I’ve visited doctors who have told me to use lube. My feeling is this is a lot more than just using lube.
Okay, let me tell you what happened the other day so that you guys will get a definite picture. It’s going to be graphic so kindly bear with me as I want to explain my thought process. I yearn for sex, but when it ends up the way it did I get all cranky.
So I met this guy while I had gone trekking in the month of December. I’m guessing he is 15-20 years elder than me but we hit it off well. Once back from the trip we started chatting, and I gave him the lead. I asked him if he would be open for a sexual relationship, knowing very well he is married. I’m okay doing married men, I don’t want to get into the ethical and moral values of why I shouldn’t sleep with married men. Moreover, I find married men safer than the single ones. After a week or so our chatting hit a plateau as I was not getting the vibes from him. I did ask him later when we reconnected but he said he was busy. My guess I think he chickened out with my recklessness.
Anyway, we reconnected chatting again this month and decided to meet at his place for a rendezvous. I did have restlessness and trust issues but took a leap of faith and decided to give it a go. He was civil and well behaved but it was obvious why I was there so within ten minutes we were kissing each other. No sooner he kissed me I realized this guy is going to be awful in bed. He is not going to care about my needs or he will be naive about my needs. I took a deep breath and continued smooching him; the smooch was horrible lots of tongue and saliva. I tried to guide him into making the kiss more sensual and I guess it worked because he said you kiss very well, I will fall in love with you. guide me along and he started doing it my way. I lighted up with his touch good or bad as I had forgotten what it was to be touched by a man. Sadly, the foreplay ended quickly, I’m guessing 5-10 minutes, and no he had not gone down on me. He wanted to proceed to the main course, but I took his hand and guided him to my nether regions.
I realized he didn’t know the importance of a clitoris as he kept finger fucking me even when I was not ready for it and kept asking me if I’m enjoying it. Now here was the confusion I didn’t know what to say, tell him, buddy, you need to get my juices flowing before you can do it, or keep quiet.I choose the latter. I got bored with him stroking me as he got lost somewhere and I was not feeling it; I wanted to get over with it as soon as possible. I applied lots of lube and asked him to go ahead and shut my eyes tightly.
It was not pleasant. I was in pain I started cramping, the one that you get during mensuration. At one point I felt like pooping (this is something that happened the first time to me). I felt my legs getting heavy. I was beginning to get tired which was strange considering I work out religiously. My thoughts were a riot, from thinking what my dog and cats were doing at home, to the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy to what I would cook for lunch tomorrow. God this was just getting worse, and the man was going on and on while asking me if I’m feeling it. I tried stimulating my clitoris on my own but it had gone numb, I couldn’t feel anything. He kept asking me if I was enjoying it and why I’m not saying anything. How do I tell him my mind goes numb during sex? At one time I thought maybe being raped felt this way and suddenly the thought about a tantra video came to my mind which I had watched on YouTube where it was mentioned that women who have been sexually assaulted get very tensed during sex, as a result, the muscles in the groin region are tight and unrelaxed. So one should deep breathe for as long as they can. I tried deep breathing, and it worked the pain did lessen but I wasn’t feeling anything.
After what seemed like an eternity he stopped, I was relieved thanking my stars since he had only one condom I knew he wouldn’t have a go at it again. He then did a very sweet thing he kissed me on my forehead. No one has done that to me. I liked it. After washing up I wanted to get dressed and get the fuck out of there, but he pulled me towards him and he wanted to cuddle. I like cuddling but I wasn’t feeling anything. I could not even look him in the eyes.
At one time he held my face looked deep into my eyes and kissed me tenderly just the way I like it. Still, I wasn’t feeling anything. We chatted for some time; I like chatting with him. He kept caressing me, kissing me tenderly but nothing. While leaving he kissed me on my forehead and I liked it. Later that night I tried helping myself but had a hard time and when it finally happened it felt forced and I was frustrated, sweaty and tired. I like him. He was caring. Moreover, I’m tired changing guys on a regular basis. I like stability. Any suggestions. I need answers/solutions for tackling the issue.